EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
