I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
