She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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