Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
