I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
