I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
