i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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