just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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