Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
