Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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