just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
