i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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