some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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