wanna go halves on a baby?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
