I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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