its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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