yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
