A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
