My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
