This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
