he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
