Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We are two peas in an std pod
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
