Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
