Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
