Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
