im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
