I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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