I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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