I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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