just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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