D3 body, D1 cock
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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