my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
