Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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