Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
