my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
