Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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