3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
