Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
