you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
