I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
