when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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