Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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