just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Someone shit on the floor
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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