Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
