I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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