your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
