It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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