This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
