i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
