Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
