I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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